The Princess Harry
by eris348
Summary: Heavily based on the Princess Bride, Draco as Westley, Harry as Buttercup, and all that implies. There will eventually be some v mild harrydraco, but til then content yourselves with the plot!
1. Stuff's Gone On

Disclaimer: I own none of these characters, more's the pity, and I cry myself to sleep over the fact that I own neither Draco Malfoy or Westley. Curse the people who thought of them first! But they did, so meh, they belong to JK Rowling and oh god, I can't remember the guy's name who wrote the book. But these characters belong to him. Not me. Damn

A/N   Ok, first things first.  If you haven't watched 'The Princess Bride' then watch it.  Then watch it again.  Then watch it a third time, marvel at your stupidity for not having watched it before, and then join my Wesley appreciation society.  By the way, this takes place at Harry and Draco's last year at Hogwarts, so they are 17/18. no pervertedness here! (much!)

Buttercup:  But Westley, what bout the R.O.U.S's?

Westley:     Rodents Of Unusual Size? I dont't think they exist.  AARGH!  (Wesley gets attacked by bloody huge rat)

Cast:   

Westley:  Draco (well, duh!)

Buttercup:  Harry

Inigo:  Blaise (hehehehe..)

Fezik:  Crabbe/Goyle

Vicini:  Snape

Prince Humperdink:  Lucius Malfoy

Count Rugen:  Macnair (the guy who was going to kill Buckbeak, then turned out t be a Death Eater. Any suggestions as to which Harry Potter character could play Rugen better would be much appreciated.)

Yes there are other characters in the film and book, but I want to use these ones.

And on with the story! 

Harry Potter was a fairly good looking young man.  He lived in a castle named Hogwarts, and loved his daily ride on a hippogriff.  However, there was one thing that Harry loved more than this, and that was tormenting Draco Malfoy.  But Harry never called him that.  *Isn't that a wonderful beginning?*  

'Slytherin, get out of my way.'

'As you wish'.  

'Slytherin, piss off.'

''As you wish.'  That was all Draco ever said to Harry.  It came as a shock to Harry one day when he realised that when Draco was saying 'As you wish', what he meant was 'I love you'.  And what came as an even bigger shock was the day that Harry realised that he truly loved Draco in return.  

But Draco's father had given the family fortune over to Lord Voldemort, so Draco was as poor as a church mouse.  Although this didn't matter to Harry, Draco's sense of pride prevented him from proposing that they elope to somewhere a little less rigid r.e gay marriages than England.  So Draco decided to go and seek his fortune at Durmstrang.  

As he left, Harry expressed his fears that something would happen that would prevent Draco from coming back to him.

'Hear this now' said Draco.  'I will always return for you.'

'But how can you be sure?' Harry was in tears by now.

'This is true love. Do you think this happens every day?'

Six months later Dumbledore called Harry into his office.

'I'm afraid I have some bad news.'

Harry looked at the Headmaster, knowing immediately what he was about to say.  'No, please don't tell me that.'

'I'm sorry, Harry.  When the students at Durmstrang found out that Draco had no money, and that he was there to sell his possessions on the Black Market, they grew enraged, and stabbed him.  He died at the scene.  There was nothing anyone could do.  I went there as soon as I got the owl, but he was already gone.  Nobody knows where the body is.'

Harry fled.  He ran and ran, without knowing where he was going, until he found himself outside his dormitory.

He went and sat by the fire, and neither slept nor ate for days.

'I will never love again.'  

A/N  ok, what do you think? I'm not convinced that this is any good!! Let me know your opinions! I'm not doing that irritating thing where an author refuses to write more unless they get reviews, but i'm just not sure this is worth carrying on! there will be more when i can write it, unless i get a load of reviews tellin me to leave it alone!


	2. Stuff's Gone On

A/N.  Sorry this has been a little while coming, but my computer exploded a couple of weeks ago, and it was half term last week so I couldn't even use the school ones.  The explosion itself was exciting though, all smoke and fumes.  And a bang, ah, yes, the bang of an erupting machine.  Something to behold.  Anyhoo, thanks for the reviews, I have managed to figure out how to access my email on my phone, so I have been reading them as they arrive, but that is the closest I've been to the internet for at least a week.  *Sob*    If this chapter is slightly erratic, then please bear in mind my earlier comment about fumes, and also the fact that I, Ancient Greece fanatic, went to the Ashmolean Museum last week, where there are Greek vases, and a carving of the Calydonian Boar Hunt, so my mind is slightly dribbly atm.  This note will probably end up being longer than the fic at this rate, so I will shut up and continue with dead Draco.  (I hate dead Draco.  I like live, virile Draco……)

A year later, Harry's world as he knew it, and indeed, as we last saw it, had been turned upside down.  He was engaged to marry School Governor Lucius, who, unlike his estranged, late son Draco, had kept on the good side of Voldemort, and was therefore very rich. He had paid Dumbledore lots of cash, so Dumbledore told Harry that he had no choice but to marry the slimy git.  Harry was introduced to the school, wearing rather fetching white robes, and a glittering crown.

'Myyyy people' proclaimed Lucius.  'A month from now, the Malfoy family will celebrate its' five hundred anniversary of being dark evil-tyoe wizards.  On that sundown, I will marry a boy who was once a Mudblood like yourselves.  But perhaps you will not find him…er….muddy now.  Would you like to meet him?'

This question was met with a stunned silence, except from Dumbledore, who cheered loudly, wearing ostentatious robes in a deep pink, complete with an ostrich feather in his overlarge hat.

A fantastically loud fanfare deafened Harry as he walked slowly down what appeared to be a catwalk, into the heart of the crowd gathered in the Great Hall.  Lucius smirked down at him from the staff table, as Harry looked around at the people who used to be his friends.  

Harry's emptiness consumed him, for as much as Lucius had told him that he would grow to obey him or suffer the consequences,  he did not feel very obedient towards this man who had, indirectly, caused Draco's death.

The only joy that Harry found was in his daily ride around Hogwarts' grounds, on his only remaining friend, Buckbeak the hippogriff.  On one such day, as Buckbeak was soaring around, Harry heard a commotion on the ground.  Overcome by curiosity, he flew down, to find three Slytherins arguing with Professor Snape.

'I want a word, boy.' said Snape, 'Are any of your snotty-nosed Gryffindor friends nearby?'

'There is no one around, not for ages, except the giant squid.' replied Harry, a little bit concerned, as Snape had an odd expression on his face.

'Then there will be no one to hear you scream rather girlishly', and with that, Snape motioned to Crabbe and Goyle, who walked up to Harry; Crabbe grabbed his arms while Goyle clobbered him on the head. 

Then Harry's world went dark. 


	3. Stuff's Going On

Disclaimer:  I still don't own any of these characters, and not even really the situation they are in.  The credit must still go to JK Rowling and he-whose-name-I-cannot-remember. Bastards.

A/N.  Ah, the joy of being able to type on a computer again (Even if it is a crappy school one).  This will be a short note, just to thank you all for the reviews, they are much appreciated.  I will now continue with the chapter that I like to call 'Stuff's Going On', mainly because that is the title. 

As Crabbe lugged Harry onto the ship that had risen out of the lake, Goyle went and spoke in an undertone (if only he knew what an undertone was) to Snape.

'I just don't think it's right, killing an innocent Gryffindor.'

'Am I going mad, or did the word think escape your lips?  You were not hired for your brains, you hippopotamic mass of no-good Slytherinism.  You lamentably besmirch your house's good name,' sneered Snape,  'I have hired you to help me start a bitter rivalry.  It's a difficult business, with a long and prestigious history.'

'Sorry, Professor.  What are you doing now?' Goyle asked, as he watched Snape tearing up a cloak, attaching a bit to Buckbeak and sending him soaring towards the castle with a sharp slap on the hippogriff's hindquarters.

'The fabric I just tore was the uniform of a seventh year Durmstrang student.  When Lucius sees it, he will assume that Karkaroff has abducted his fiancé.  He will declare a bitter rivalry, and they will all kill each other at Quidditch matches and the Triwizard Tournament.  It's all very exciting.'

'I agree with Goyle,' remarked Blaise, attempting to leap nimbly onto the ship, tripping over a rope, and ending up in a rather undignified heap on the deck.

'Oh, the truant has spoken!  When I found you, you were hiding in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom, trying to avoid McGonagall, because you hadn't done your Transfiguration homework! I saved you!  And YOU,' turning on Crabbe and Goyle, he advanced on them menacingly.  'Do you want me to send you back to where you were?  Getting 'T's in Potions?'

'No, we're sorry, Professor.' the three chorused.

'Good.  Now, let's go to Durmstrang, so we can kill Potter and leave his body outside the school in a grave shallow enough for Lucius to find it.'  With this, Snape stalked off, leaving the three students gaping after him.

'That Snape, he can fuss' whispered Blaise.

'Fuss, fuss, why the ship, why can't we take the bus?' replied Goyle.

'Probably he means no HARM.'

'He's very, very short on…charm!'

'Ah, you have a great gift for rhyme.'

'Yes, yes, some of the time.'  They grinned at each other, then winced when Snape's voice reached them.

'STOP THAT!'

'Hey, Greg, are there rocks ahead?'

'If there are, we'll all be dead!'

'No more rhymes now, I mean it!' shrieked Snape, definitely losing his cool by now.

Goyle couldn't resist getting in the last word,  'Anybody want a Bertie Botts every flavour peanut?'

'GAH!!!!!'

Later that night, the ship was approaching the foreboding looking cliffs, at the tops of which stood Durmstrang Institute.

'Look!!' shrieked Snape, obviously still not quite over the rhyming incident, which had resulted in him banging his head repeatedly against the mast, with Blaise, Greg and Vince looking on in amusement.  Harry had only woken up three hours later, and was now sitting propped against the mast, quite obviously sulking.  'The Cliffs of Peculiarity!!!'

Blaise, who was doing his best to look cool and nonchalant, was swinging his leg back and forth, while lounging at the back of the ship. 

'Er, Professor, is it possible that someone is following us?'

'No.  It is inconceivable.  No one at Durmstrang knows what we've done, and no one from Hogwarts could have gotten here so fast.  Plus, this ship is under a "You won't notice us unless you know we're here, so hahaha"  spell.  Out of idle curiosity, why do you ask?'

'Well, I just happened to look behind us, and it seems that someone is there.'

'Inconceivable!'

Sure enough, to Snape's amazement and perplexity, there was a ship following them, and on board that ship was a man dressed all in pink leather, including a rather fetching pink mask, which may well have been scented with lavender.  It looked that sort of mask.


	4. Stuff's Gonna Go On

Disclaimer.  The characters still don't belong to me.  Yazethet, thank you!! That name has been irritating me for ages.  You may well have saved my sanity.  So, these characters, and most of the situations they find themselves in belong to JK Rowling and William Goldman respectively.  If anyone wants to buy the rights to Draco and Westley for me as an 18th birthday present in July, it would not go unappreciated.  Thank you.  

A/N  Hello, and welcome to another instalment of this, the Princess Harry.  Many thanks to all those who have reviewed this fic,  Elena=Perfection, welcome back!  For all those people who want an idea of Neville's swimming skills, check out Alisa Morgan's story Action: Reaction on http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=1651927.  An update on my computer situation:  those nice people at Dell delivered our new one this morning, so I should be able to update and check the reviews more frequently once it's all installed and stuff.  Fab!  On with the fic!

As Snape and Blaise were looking admiringly at the Man In Pink, and Crabbe and Goyle were playing Pairs (and had been for the last six and a half hours; neither had actually found a pair yet), Harry saw his chance, and seized it with both hands.  Actually, there was no seizing, he just jumped into the water and began to swim away.  At the sound of the splash, Snape was jolted out of his gawping at the MIP's torso in that VERY tight pink shirt.  

'After him!!' he screamed, before realising how feminine that sounded.  

'After him!!' he rephrased, in an extraordinarily deep, scary serial-killer type voice.

'I don't swim,' replied Blaise.  'It would go against my ultra-cool image'.  It must be stated, that at this point, Blaise was doing the 'Prince Charming' dance up and down the deck.

'I only dog-paddle' said Greg, while Vince shook his head earnestly. Greg saw what he was doing, and sharply jabbed his friend in the ribs.  Vince immediately began nodding his head in agreement, just as earnestly.  

'Crabbe, stop that. You look like a nodding Blast-Ended Skrewt.'  snapped Snape.

Harry, meanwhile, was beginning to regret his heroic dive, as the water was actually bloody freezing, and he had remembered that he swam about as well as Neville.  However, he could float, so he tried pushing the water behind him while bobbing upright, but it didn't really do much.  Then the water around him began to bubble, and he felt something brush by his foot.  

'Do you know what that disturbance is, Potter?'  asked Snape, a disturbing gleam in his eyes, 'That is the giant squid.  It always comes closer when it's about to feed on human flesh.'

On cue, the squid began to rise out of the water, one of its tentacles three times as long as Harry's body.

'If you come back now, I promise that no harm will come to you.  I doubt that the squid will give you such an offer.'

Harry's mind span; he was scared, but he had been scared before, did he really want to go back to them? If he died, he would see Draco again, and they would never again be separated.  He made up his mind, glared back at Snape, and began to bob closer to the squid.  

However, suddenly, a hand dragged him out of the water; and he was dragged up the side of the ship, and sat panting while Snape tied up his hands.

'I suppose you think you're brave and clever?'  

'Actually, yeah, I do.' snapped Harry.

'Oh, ok.' said Snape, slightly taken aback at this show of cockiness.

From where Blaise was sitting posing there suddenly came a shriek.

'He's right on top of us!'  this sounded a little tiny bit wistful.

'He's no concern of ours.  We are nearly there.' replied Snape.

They got off the ship, and Vince and Greg made a staircase in the rock with their wands so they could all run up to the top of the cliffs. The Man in Pink started to run after them, gaining each step that he took. When they reached the top, Greg closed the staircase. They heard a yell, and went gingerly to the edge of the cliff to make sure that he had fallen.  What they saw, however, was quite different.


	5. YEAH!

Disclaimer:  No, they still don't belong to me.  Yes, I still cry myself to sleep over that fact.

A/N  My computer is working!!! It's rather exciting. Solesse – pink is cool.  This may be the shortest note I've ever posted.  The excitement just doesn't stop!  Oh, by the way, the titles of these chapters have no relevance to the story, they are just lines from a song that my mates made up for the 10 minute versions of Agamemnon, Antigone and Oedipus the King that my Classics class put on last year.  Googly eyes were also involved.  Ah, memories.  Damn, this note is long now.  Ah well, shit happens.

The Man In Pink was clinging to the rock face, struggling to get a foothold. 

'He's got good arms' said Blaise, barely able to contain the drooling at the sight of those arms, and the strength concealed in them.

The Man In Pink began slowly to haul himself up the sheer cliff face, still not using his legs, so his powerful arms were all that stood (or rather, clung) between him and a rather painful splattering death.

'Merciful Heavens! He's climbing!' exclaimed Blaise, earning himself some rather odd looks from the others.  'Mmmmmm….'

'No matter, he's seen us with Potter and must therefore die.' replied Snape, regretfully.  Blaise pouted.  Snape ignored him.  'Goyle, grab Potter, we'll carry on.  Blaise, you stay here.  If he falls, then good.  If not, the wand.'

'I'm going to do him left handed.' said Blaise, at which point Vince and Greg began sniggering.

'Oh, grow up!' snapped Snape; rounding on Blaise he growled 'Why?  You know what a hurry we're in!'

'It's the only way I can be satisfied,' replied Blaise, to more hysterical giggles from Vince and Greg.  Ignoring them, although looking distinctly flushed he continued 'If I use my right then it's over too quickly.'

'Fine, whatever' Snape started marching briskly towards Durmstrang, followed by Vince and Greg, Vince coming back thirty seconds later to collect Harry.

Blaise took out his wand, and began gesturing.  Then, remembering the Man In Pink's arms, conjured himself a mirror and some hair gel and sat down on a handy rock.  Twenty minutes later, when he was satisfied that he looked as devilishly handsome as was humanly possible, he went to the edge of the cliff.  He was about to call down when he felt faint with lust, so went and sat down again.  Another half hour later he closed his eyes, got down on hands and knees and felt his way to the edge.  

'I don't suppose you want to speed things up?' he asked.

'Look, this isn't as easy as it looks, so I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't distract me?' replied the Man In Pink.  His voice was deep (but not Snape-serial killer deep), and there was a hint of a pout in his tone, implying he was used to getting what he wanted.  This thought paralysed Blaise again, so he sat fanning himself until he heard the man's voice again.  'Look, I don't suppose you can open the staircase, or make me a rope, or find something useful to do?'

'I could do that!' said Blaise brightly.  'But, I don't think it would be much use, since I'm only waiting here to kill you.'

'That does put a dampener on our relationship.'

Blaise was incapacitated for another 10 minutes at the thought of a relationship with this hunk of pink goodness.

'How can I trust that you won't chuck me off or something?' the Man In Pink asked.

'I swear to you on my father's life that I will help you, ' he said.

'Oh, yeah, ok, sure.' said the Man in Pink.  'And I bet you hate your father, and he disowned you about three years ago.'  This shook Blaise slightly, as it was in fact true.

'Is there any way you will trust me?' he asked, desperately.

'Nothing comes to mind' panted the Man In Pink, who was by this point holding on to the rock with one hand, and swinging wildly around trying to get a grip with the other.

'I swear to you as a Slytherin that you will reach the top alive'

'Good enough.  Open the bloody staircase.'

Blaise did so, and the Man In Pink ran up tiredly, drawing his wand as he approached.

'No, wait until you're ready' urged Blaise, who was one again sitting down, looking at the Man In Pink with his mouth hanging unattractively open.

'Thank you'

'I don't suppose you have the Dark Mark on your arm, do you?' asked Blaise, once he had recovered sufficiently to talk.  

The Man In Pink looked slightly confused.  'Do you always begin conversations this way?'

'My brother was killed by a Death Eater'

The Man In Pink looked directly at Blaise and pulled up the sleeve of his top, to show….pale skin, untouched. Blaise almost fainted with lust.

'My brother was a wand maker.  The Death Eater came and demanded a special wand.  They wanted to use it to revive You-Know-Who, so it had to be powerful.  It was a year before it was finished.  The Death Eater returned and demanded it, but at 1/10 his promised price.  My brother refused.  The Death Eater performed the Killing Curse on him.  I tried to kill him, but he beat me.  The Death Eater left me alive, but he gave me these'  Blaise showed the Man In Pink two scars running across his chest, n the shape of a V.  'I left them so I would always remember my brother, I have been training and teaching myself spells since I was seven in preparation for the battle.  But I have been unsuccessful in finding him.  One day I will find him, I will look him in the eye and say "Hello.  My name is Blaise Zabini.  You killed my brother.  Prepare to die."'

'Well, I hope you find him' said the Man In  Pink.

'You're ready then?' asked Blaise.

'Even if I'm not, you've been more than fair.'

'You seem a really nice guy.  I hate to have to kill you.

'You seem a really nice guy.  I hate to die.'

'Begin'. 

And so the battle began.


	6. Zeus Is Great

Disclaimer:  No, they don't.  Yes, I cry.

A/N  This chapter is dedicated to Lei, who, although she doesn't understand the wonders of the Classical World, understands the importance of having four and a half ill babies.

Thanks to all my reviewers, I love you guys! (Cheesy grin, mingled with a few tears)  CrazyFoxForever:  Oh, my God, I'm so glad someone agrees with me about the sheer brilliance of that sword fight! Everything about it is fab! The action, the dialogue, it's all fantastic!

Inigo:  Who are you?

Man In Black:  No one of consequence.

Inigo: I must know

Man In Black:  (deadpan)  Get used to disappointment.

Inigo: Okay

I will now stop going on about the film (WATCH IT WATCH IT) and carry on with the fic.

The two stood facing each other, wands drawn, each held their wands firmly in their left hands.

Blaise started the wand casting with a masterful 'Rictusempra!'  The Man In Pink staggered backwards, hit with the full blast of the spell, but recovered quickly and retaliated with 'Flipendo!' 

Blaise was tossed head over heels, about 15 feet in the air, but when he came down he twisted, with cat-like agility and landed on his feet.  But before he could cast a spell back at the Man In Pink, he was hit with an 'Incendio!' and ran about in a panic trying to put out the fire in his boots.

'Rictusempra!   Rictusempra!'

Blaise was catapulted nearly to the edge of the cliff, while the Man In Pink advanced slowly to finish it.  

'Wait!' shouted Blaise.  Before you do this, there is something you must know!'

'What's that?' asked the Man In Pink, warily.

'I am not left handed!' exclaimed Blaise.  He switched his wand into his right hand, and threw a Flipendo spell at the Man In Pink, followed swiftly by a Rictusempra.

'You're wonderful!' exclaimed   the Man In Pink.

'I ought to be after so many years.' Replied Blaise, a little smugly.  'Flipendo!'

'There's something I ought to tell you' gasped the Man In Pink, struggling to stand up straight.

'What is that?'

The Man In Pink looked Blaise straight in the eye, smirked slightly, and replied  'I'm not left-handed either'.

He switched hands, and the battle began again.  It looked like that scene from the Disney version of Sleeping Beauty, where the Fairies are having an argument about what colour the dress should be, and as a result there were different coloured sparks flying all over the place.  Interestingly, there were no flashes of green light.  Both parties seemed to have come to the unspoken agreement that the Killing Curse would not be performed, but the battle would go on until one was too worn to fight.

Finally, Blaise was throwing so many spells at the Man In Pink that he dropped his wand out of sheer exhaustion.  He sank to his knees.

'Kill me quickly.'

'I would as soon destroy the Goblet Of Fire as an artist like yourself.  However, since I can't have you following me either….Stupefy!!!'

Blaise dropped forward, unconscious, and the Man In Pink sheathed his wand, and ran the way that Snape, Crabbe and Goyle had taken Harry:  towards Durmstrang.

A/N  The spells that I've used are featured in the 'Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone' and 'Chamber of Secrets' PC Games.  Now my computer is working I can play them!  Oh, my sadness has reached new depths.  That was really hard to write, as the original fight was so bloody amazing.


	7. Zeus Is Great

Disclaimer:  They still don't.  My birthday is still some time away though.  Keep saving!  Buy me the rights to Draco!

A/N  I didn't expect people to pick up on the Sleeping Beauty bit in the last chapter, glad you did though, I love that film! It's one of my fave Disney films (Can't beat Beauty and the Beast or The Emperor's New Groove though.)  Thank you all for being nice about the wand fight, as I've mentioned, the sword fight in the Princess Bride is bloody amazing, so was really worried about doing a parody of it, as I can't do it justice.  Onwards!!

'Inconceivable!'  yelled Snape, at the sight of the Man In Pink running purposefully up the mountainside, his legs cased in the pink leather that had made Blaise drool so much (Blaise, by the way, is fine; he is now having R rated dreams about the Man In Pink and a rather long wand.).

'I wonder if Blaise is ok.' said Greg.  Vince nodded in agreement.

'Give me Potter.' snapped Snape.  'You two stay here and finish the Man In Pink YOUR way.'

'Oh, our way.  Thanks, Professor Snape.  Which is our way?' asked Greg.

'In a minute the Man In Pink will come running round the corner.  You two hide behind those rocks either side of the path.  The moment he comes into view, jump into each other and squish him in the middle!'

Greg and Vince reflected for a moment on what Blaise's reaction would have been if he had been asked to participate in a Man In Pink sandwich.  They both pictured him in the same way; lying on the floor in a puddle of his own drool.

Greg pulled himself together first; Vince was still staring at the imaginary Blaise on the ground, and giggling at how pissed off  he would be that he had missed this opportunity for molesting.

'Our way isn't very fun' complained Greg.

Snape rolled his eyes towards heaven, and walked off with Harry over his shoulder, looking very bored with the whole matter.

After he was sure that Snape couldn't see them anymore, Greg went and shook Vince out of his Blaise-induced giggling, and whispered something in his ear.  Vince nodded his head, and the two of them went and hid behind the conveniently placed rocks as they had been instructed.

A few minutes later, the Man In Pink came round the corner.  He slowed his run to a cautious slink, and slinked a bit further, before being met by two large blokes jumping into each other just in front of him.  He stepped back quickly and drew his wand, carefully assessing the situation.  One of the large blokes had no glimmer of intelligence in his eyes whatsoever; the Man In Pink shuddered that anyone could be that transparently stupid.  Then he reasoned silently with himself that anyone that stupid wouldn't be intelligent enough to disguise the fact that he was stupid.  Then the Man In Pink's brain began to hurt, so he stopped that line of thought immediately.  Then the member of the duo who seemed more intelligent picked up a fuck-off big rock, and spoke.

'We did that on purpose.  We didn't have to miss.'

'I believe you.'  replied the Man In  Pink.  'Now what?'

'We put down our weapons and face each other as Salazar Slytherin wouldn't have wanted; man to man with no cheating.'

'So, you put down your rock, and I'll put down my sword, and we'll try and kill each other like civilised wizards?  What about him?' the Man In Pink pointed at Vince.

'He has no part in this, he's too innocent.  Vince, think how irritated Blaise would be that he missed this.'  Vince started chortling.  'See, he's fine now.  That will keep him amused for hours.'

'Ok, so it's just you and me.  How do you want to do this?'  Vince overheard this, and giggled even more.

'Well,' replied Greg, 'I have the power here, so I'll choose.  And I pick…Monopoly!'

Three hours later, the Man In Pink owned the Dark Blues, the Greens, the Yellows, (with hotels on each), and had one of each of the other colours except the Browns.  Greg owned the Browns, and was laboriously putting three houses on each of them.

Another twenty minutes later, Greg was on Free Parking, and had just rolled an 11.  He landed on Regent Street, and let out a howl of despair.  He collapsed to the ground in a dead faint; it was the first time that he had ever lost a game of Monopoly.  The Man In Pink smiled at Vince, who grinned back, and then he started up the hill after Snape.


	8. Zeus Is The Best

Disclaimer:  They still belong to JK Rowling, most of the situations they find themselves in still belong to William Goldman.  

A/N  I love this next scene in the film!  It's so very cool!  It seems like I haven't updated for ages, but it's only been five days.  I just like the writing, so when I don't do it I miss it! That doesn't make sense.  Oh well, here's the next chapter!

The Man In Pink rounded the corner to be met with a bizarre sight.  Snape was seated at a small table covered in a pristine white tablecloth, with a bottle of Firewhiskey and two glasses on it.  Harry was seated next to Snape, a blindfold covering his eyes.  

Snape saw the Man In Pink approaching, and pulled out his wand.  He whispered a spell that the Man In Pink couldn't quite make out, and the wand turned into a feather, which Snape pointed at Harry's neck.  Harry, it must be stated, couldn't bear having his neck tickled.  He would almost have rather the wand had been turned into a knife.  Snape knew this, having accidentally walked in on Harry and Draco while Draco had still been alive, to find them playing a rather odd sort of game, which involved Draco tickling Harry's neck until Harry promised to do anything Draco had wanted.  It had lasted five seconds before Harry had caved. Snape knew that Harry was remembering that day, and permitted himself a little smirk.  The Man In Pink saw Harry flinching away from the feather as he approached, and stopped walking.

'So,' said Snape,  'It is down to you, and it is down to me.'

The Man In Pink started to walk forward, an endearing smirk on his face.  'Let me explain.'

'What's to explain?  You're trying to kidnap what I've rightfully stolen!'  Snape started gently moving the feather up and down Harry's neck, causing Harry to laugh and grimace at the same time.  The Man In Pink froze, then started moving slowly again.  

'Maybe a compromise can be reached?'

'There will be no compromise, and you're torturing him'

'Then it appears we are at an impasse.'

'It appears so.'

'Very well, then, I have a suggestion as to how we can resolve this.'  offered the Man In Pink. 

'Oh?' replied Snape.

'I propose a battle of wits.'

'For Potter?' asked Snape.

The Man In Pink nodded.

'To the death?'

The Man In Pink nodded again.

'I accept!'

'Fantastic.  Then pour the Firewhiskey.'

Snape did so.  As he was busy pouring the drinks, the Man In Pink sat down opposite Snape, stealing a quick look at Harry and looking away as soon as Snape looked up.

'Are you ready?' asked Snape, suspiciously.

For answer, the Man In Pink produced his wand, which had been concealed somewhere among his clothing, very cleverly, as his clothes were quite tight, and he hadn't had a wand line.  Snape looked at him, curiously, wondering what he was planning.  The Man In Pink whispered 'Hubris Finitum', and a vial appeared on the table, with a liquid inside.  The liquid was, unsurprisingly, pink.  Snape glanced at the vial, and, being a potions master, identified it immediately.  

'Hetairai destroyer.  One of the most deadly poisons known to wizardkind.'

'Very good.' said the Man In Pink, in a patronising voice.  'I suppose you know what happens when it comes in contact with alcohol?'

'Of course,' sneered Snape.  'It loses its colour, becomes tasteless, but still retains its deadly effects.  Oh.' As he clicked on to what the Man In Pink was suggesting.  The Man In Pink smirked again, took the two glasses of Firewhiskey and the vial, turned so he had his back to Snape, and poured the contents of the vial.

He turned back to face Snape, swished the liquid around in the glasses, and set one down in front of each of them. 

'Where is the poison?  The battle of wits has begun.  It ends when you decide, and we both drink, and find out who is right, and who is dead.

'But it's so easy!'  exclaimed Snape, 'All I have to do is divine from what I know of you; are you the type of man who puts the poison into his own glass or his enemies?  You have beaten Blaise, so you must have studied, and in studying you will have learnt that man is mortal, and therefore out the poison as far from yourself as possible.  But, you also beat Crabbe and Goyle, and if I know Goyle at all he challenged you to a game of Monopoly.  You beat him at that, which means you're even more stubborn than he is, so you could rely on your stubbornness to hang on to life.'

'You're trying to make me give something away.  It won't work.'

'It has worked; you've given everything away! I know where the poison is!'

'Then make your choice'

'I will! And I choose… Oh, Merlin, look! A badger!!' Snape pointed over the Man In Pink's shoulder.  The Man in Pink spun around.  As he did so, Snape switched their glasses.

'Oh, I could have sworn I saw a badger.  They're becoming very rare, you know.  Oh well, no harm, eh?  Let's drink, me from my glass, and you from yours.'  Snape started chortling.

'What's so funny?' asked the Man In Pink suspiciously.

'I'll tell you in a minute'.

They both raised their glasses to each other and drank.  The Man In Pink laughed softly.  

'You guessed wrong.'

@You only think I guessed wrong!  That's what so funny!  I switched glasses while your back was turned!  Haha, you fool! You fell victim to one of the most classic blunders! The first is never get involved with Voldemort, no matter how much he tells you that you will get many lusty wenches, but the second, only slightly less well known is this: NEVER go in against a malevolent, greasy-haired potions master when DEATH is on the line! HAHAHAHAHAH…….'

Snape toppled sideways off his chair, the foam round his mouth from his maniacal laughter beginning to dry.  The Man In Pink ran round to Harry, and gently undid his blindfold.  

'Just think,' said Harry, 'all that time it was your glass that was poisoned.'

'Neither was poisoned' replied the Man In Pink.  'Snape laughed himself to death.  I wouldn't poison a Slytherin.  Now let's get out of here.'

A/N  unless you're one of my mates, you won't understand the badger reference.  

Hubris means arrogance, and a hetairai is Ancient Greek for a 'companion' (whore).  See? We learn interesting stuff in our Classics lessons!  


	9. Zeus Is All Powerful

Disclaimer:  No, they still don't.  Thank you for your time.

A/N  if my typing is awful now then please bear with me; one of the fingers I usually use for type is currently the proud owner of a plaster wrapped all around it, so I'm using my index finger instead, and it's not very good.  Aww, poor me.  I was the innocent victim of a paper cut, gotten, ironically, from Harry Potter and the Order of The Phoenix.  Bloody book.  If I get distracted during this chapter, then I apologise, but bear in mind that I was at a wedding this weekend, it was posh, my little finger didn't go down at all.  For me, that was heaven.  I'm still planning how I can afford to buy the country house the reception was held in.  I need to marry someone very rich……

The Man In Pink dragged Harry up the path, while Harry was wondering exactly how the Man In Pink got his bum so shapely and tight, and admiring it.  A lot.  He must work out a lot, or be so lucky that every woman in the world either wants to shag him, or kill him and steal his behind.  Harry jolted himself out of his dirty thoughts, and decided that it was time to try to intimidate the Man In Pink into letting him go.  

'My fiancé's gonna find you, and then you'll be sorry!'  Oh, good one, Harry, he thought.  That'll work.  Threaten him with bloody Lucius.

'You really think that your dearest love will save you?'

'I never said he was my dearest love, I mean, ew!  But yes, he will save me.  That I know.'

'You admit you do not love your fiancé?'

'He knows I do not love him.'

'Incapable of love is what you mean.'

Harry rose, and went to bitchslap the Man In Pink.  However, the Man In Pink easily caught his hand, and stared into his eyes.

Harry stared right back at him and said, slowly and deliberately, 'I have loved more deeply than a killer like yourself could ever dream.'

The Man In Pink dropped Harry's hand, and went to slap Harry, pausing his hand an inch fro Harry's face.  'That was a warning, Potter.  Where I come from there are penalties when a boy lies.'

Harry's eyes widened.  'I know who you are, your cruelty reveals everything! You're a Durmstrang seventh year, admit it!'

'With pride!' The Man In Pink took a florid bow.  'What can I do for you?'

All thoughts of the Man In Pink's bum had flown out of Harry's mind as he stood face to face with one of the people who had taken Draco from him forever. 

'You can die slowly, killed by the Cruciatus Curse.'

'Hardly complimentary, Mr.Potter. Why loose your venom on me?'

'You killed my lover.'

'It's possible.  I kill a lot of people if they piss me off.  Was this love of yours at all irritating?'

'No, he was perfect!  Although, if he didn't get his own was he sulked.  No, he was perfect.  With grey eyes that looked right into your soul…' Harry trailed off.  The memory of Draco was too painful, especially with one of his killers standing there.

'He went to Durmstrang to raise money, so we could elope.  You found out he had no money, and you cut him down in the hallway.'

'Ah, I remember him now.  Does it bother you to hear about it?'

'Nothing you can say will hurt me.'

The Man In Pink looked carefully at Harry, then continued.  'He died well, that should please you.  No bribe attempts, not that he could afford the bribes, or blubbering.  He merely said "If you wish me to die then I shall do as you wish.'

Harry choked back a sob at these words, until the Man In Pink resumed talking.

'Now tell me, did you get engaged to his father – yes, I know who he is – the same day, or did you wait a whole week out of respect for the dead?'

'HOW DARE YOU!' screamed Harry, the pain of the last year finally emerging.  'I died that day!  And you can die too for all I care!'  With this he pushed the Man In Pink down the conveniently placed, very steep hill.  As the Man In Pink fell, he shouted 'AS YOU WISH!'

'Oh, my Draco, what have I done?' whispered Harry, and without a thought for his own safety, he tossed himself down the hill after the Man In Pink, who had too late revealed himself to be Draco. 

As Harry flopped down the hill he began to wonder if running down might not have been safer, if slightly less dramatic.  He landed on his back at the bottom, and lay there panting.  Draco pulled himself over to Harry, and looked down at him smilingly.  

'How are you here?' asked Harry.  'Dumbledore told me the Durmstrang student killed you.'

'I told you I would always return for you.  Why didn't you wait for me?' replied Draco, infuriatingly answering a question with a question.

'Well, you were dead.'

'Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while.'

With that, Harry and Draco shared their first kiss in a year, erasing all of the hurt and uncertainty, and promising better things in the future.  Little did they know what the future really held for them.


	10. YEAH!

Disclaimer:  No, they still don't belong to me.  My birthday still hasn't passed though…..

AN: Well, it's been a while, hope everyone saw my (admittedly pathetic) apology.  It's been tough going, but I'm now updating with great gusto.  The next few updates may also be a bit slow, but mark my words, when my exams are over in June….. There will be so much Princess Harry your eyes will bleed from reading so much.  Ok, I'm done now.  This chapter is dedicated to Alix, Hannah and Lei, for nagging me until I went deaf.  Thanks you three, you're the best friends a girl could ever want!  On with the Princess Harry then! LA!

Due to a hideous oversight on the part of the author, Prince Lucius had somehow managed to sneak up behind our two heroes, and was now watching them canoodle from the top of the hill that they had just flung themselves down.  He was in a worse mood than usual, as this plot hole had cost him a hell of a lot of witty dialogue.  He was especially peeved about not being able to say his favourite line, so decided to say it anyway, even though it made very little, if any, sense.

'I always think everything could be a trap, which is why I'm still alive.'  Macnair looked at him rather oddly, but decided on the wise, prudent course of action and said nothing.

Draco looked up at Lucius, and smirked.  'Ha! Your troll fiancé is too late!  Another couple of steps and we'll be safe in the Forbidden Forest.'

Harry looked at him in terror,  'We'll never survive!' he squealed.

'Nonsense.  You're just saying that because no one ever has.'

The two of them slunk into the Forest, the only noise being that of Harry's teeth chattering in fear.  Draco cautiously pulled out his very manly wand, and, taking Harry's hand, moved forward, protecting Harry's body with his own, slashing at any impudent vines that dared to get in his way.

Suddenly, there was a popping sound, followed by a 'CRACK!', and the bottom of Harry's robes caught fire.  Harry shrieked, grabbed a leaf from a nearby tree, and began ineffectively flapping at the fire, hoping that it would go away.  However, all that he succeeded in doing was setting the leaf on fire.  Draco grabbed him, and started beating out the fire in his robes.  When it was out, Draco brushed Harry's hair off his face and smiled at him.

'There.  That was an adventure.  Singed a bit, were you?'

Harry smiled weakly and shook his head.  'You?'

Draco frowned and shook his head back.   Then he took Harry's hand again, and they continued through the forest.  

'Draco, I have a couple of questions.'

'Fire away, pumpkin.'

'Ok, how are you alive? It's amazing, but I don't understand how, I mean, the Durmstrang students killed you.  Dumbledore said that they cut you down in the corridor when they found out that you were poor.  How did you survive?'

'Well, I'll explain….' started Draco, but Harry interrupted him suddenly.

'Wait, I've thought of a more important question, you can answer that one in a moment.'

'Ok, shoot.'

'Draco…'

'Yes?'

'Why are you wearing pink?'HHarr


	11. Troy Is Crap

A/N  Hello, me again.  I'm trying to update this regularly, but failing miserably.  Anyway, I went to see Troy with my fellow Classics Nerds last night, and it was possibly the worst interpretation of Greek mythology I have ever seen.  Obviously, I am not including the Channel Five version of 'The Odyssey' with a gold Hermes in a nappy in this comparison.  That is dire.  Anyway, although it is well worth going to see the film because of naked Brad Pitt (TWICE!!), it is horrifically inaccurate.  Anybody who knows anything about Greek mythology will be shocked and appalled.  If you don't want to know what happens in Troy, then skip to the actual story below.  Anyway, Hector kills Menelaus and Ajax (WHAT THE HELL!?!?!), Briseis kills Agamemnon, earlier in the film Achilles gives Briseis back to Priam (yeah, like THAT would happen), and the whole thing apparently takes place in about two weeks, rather than the ten years of 'The Iliad'.  It should also be noted that Laocoon was NOT attacked by sea serpents, neither was Hector's baby son thrown off the walls of Troy, and Andromache taken as a slave.  Priam was killed by Agamemnon (Ok, whatever), and Hecuba was not even mentioned.  Grrrr…. I'll shut up now. I'm very cross.

'Well,' replied Draco in a rather offended tone, 'I'm wearing pink because I happen to believe that I cut rather a dashing figure in the colour.  I spent many hours at Durmstrang in front of the mirror trying to decide which colour would be best for a pretty gay boy such as myself to wear on a rescue, heroic mission. I decided on pink. It's understated, but it says "I am so heroic I hurt my own eyes when I look in a mirror."  Don't you think so?'

'I think you would have looked just as gorgeous if you had turned up in a sack.'  replied Harry.

'Well, of course, I am stunningly good looking.  You're a very lucky man.'

Harry hit him lightly on the arm, laughing, and then pointed out that Draco hadn't actually answered his other question.

'Ah, yes, bugger.  I was hoping you wouldn't ask me that.  In order to survive, I did the most horrific thing I have ever done.  Promise you will still love me after I have told you?'

'I will always love you, Draco, you know that.'

'Alright, here goes.. I became Karkaroff's personal……secretary.  I made myself so invaluable to him that he wouldn't let me die.  The Sixth formers did try to kill me in the corridor, but Karkaroff stopped them.  However, he told Dumbledore that I had in fact dies, so I would feel no obligation to return to Hogwarts, and to you. Of course, he thought that the lover I mentioned was female, it wouldn't have crossed his mind for a second that I was gay, with Harry Potter as my lover.  He told me that you were due to marry my bloody father, sneering all the time at the thought that a Death Eater was de to marry the Boy Who Lived.  He called it poetic justice.  I called it sick, and that night I ran away, in my pink outfit, in order to rescue you.  So, here I am.'

'Wow, er, ok.  I can't believe he told Dumbledore you were dead.  Bastard.' 

'Anyway, we don't have to worry about him anymore.  I still have the money I made from my black market industry, and Karkaroff paid me a wage for doing the jobs for him, so I basically have my inheritance back.  We can run away together, and hide from Lucius, Karkaroff, anybody and everybody.  We are free!'

Harry smiled at Draco and continued walking.  He took a step, and vanished. 


	12. Troy is STILL Crap

A/N. Well, I bet you all thought I'd forgotten this, hadn't you? I've had a lot of stuff, most of which is now thankfully over. I've finally turned 18 (YAY!), which is exciting, and have been on an awful lot of shopping trips with my noble, long-suffering boyfriend to spend the hideous amounts of money I was given! Sorry about the horrible delays on this (if, indeed, you haven't all gotten bored and deserted me!) Onwards.  
  
Draco looked wildly around; up, down, side to side, and down again at the spot where Harry had been standing a second before. He looked around once more, before deciding on a course of action. Using the spell 'Diffindo' that Professor Sprout had taught them in Herbology (which he had then spent 17 straight hours practising on Crabbe and Goyle's hair), he cut a vine, tied it around his middle, and jumped down onto the seemingly solid ground that Harry had fallen through....WHACK. He fell flat on his face on the actually solid ground that Harry had fallen through, and lay there for a second with his pride in tatters and mud on his trousers.  
  
'Ah. Right. Bugger, that didn't work then. It did in the film. Oh, sod it.' And with that he pointed his wand at the ground, and it opened up, revealing Harry playing poker with an obliging tree root.   
  
'Fabby! Draco! What took you so long? Was that you throwing yourself at the ground, love?'  
  
'Yes, it was' Draco replied rather shortly, looking mournfully at his pink and brown trousers. 'Let's go.'  
  
'Oh. Ok, see you later, Willow'. And Harry climbed out of the hole, and stood waiting for Draco to follow him. The tree made a grab at Draco's ankle as he clambered out, but he used the trusty, well-practised Diffindo spell on it, and quickly closed the hole in the ground. Harry looked rather shocked at his new friend attacking his boyfriend, and promptly burst into tears; the stress of the last few years finally snapping his poor little fragile Gryffindor mind.   
  
''We'll never succeed! We might as well just die now!'  
  
'No, no. We have already succeeded. OK, what are the three terrors of the Forbidden Forest?'  
  
'Er, unicorns, giant spiders, giant giants, werewolves (not the nice kind), Voldemort...'  
  
Draco interrupted Harry before he could continue with this too-long and, quite frankly, disturbing list. 'No, the three terrors we've encountered tonight.'  
  
'Oh, Ok. Er, fire poppy things, the evil tree that thrashed me at poker, and, oh, Merlin, Draco, what about the BHR's?'  
  
'Bloody Huge Rats? I don't think they exist. AARGH!!!' 


End file.
